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I've gotten word through a common friend.
She does not want me to wait. It's over.

For us two, there is no kinder tomorrow.

Voicemail

I called her cellphone.  Straight to voice mail.
I called their home number.  Got the answering machine.

Hopefully they'll get back to me.  They said they would in the recorded message.
Somehow I doubt it.

Her e-mail address doesn't exist any more either.  Her whole Google account went bye-bye at 14:47 today.

I'm getting desperate for a kinder tomorrow.

It's not working

I've been trying to keep my hopes up.
I've been trying to look for the dawn on the horizon.
I've been trying to be patient.
I've been trying to be understanding of why her parents have reacted as they have.
I've been trying to wait.

It's not working.

When you've resorted to googling for obituaries, it's clearly time to take different actions for a kinder tomorrow.

Holding my breath

An e-mail came in earlier.
It was just some newsletter, borderline spam, but it still happened.  I've got it set up so any high priority e-mail makes a different sound, and anything connected to her is very high priority.  Even with the low priority sound I still held my breath from the sound to having read the sender.

Every time my computer makes an unexpected sound, or my phone makes any sound at all, it's like a jolt of electricity.  I expected that to drop off after a couple of days, but in stead it's getting stronger.

I miss her so much.

We'll be together in a kinder tomorrow.

Phonecall

After sorting out the mess with the flowers I decided I had to find out what the damage is on my phone bill. It turns out that calling the US is very affordable, right on the edge of being cheap.  In fact, it's only marginally more expensive than calling a cell phone right here in Sweden.  I pay the same to talk across the Atlantic as if I call my parents in Norway!

That has me thinking down a very winding road.  I want to give Mr. B a call.  Maybe, if I can get in touch with him, we can work something out?
No, I don't really believe that any more, but I have to at least try.

I sent an e-mail and I sent flowers.  He's got to know by now that I'm not going to just slink away down a dark hole and be gone.  Calling is the next logical step in a very illogical situation, but I have to think this through.

What are the consequences for her if I call?  Will it make her life even harder?  He couldn't possibly hold her responsible for my actions, could he?
I know her very well, but I only know him by his online persona and through what she has told me of him. It's clear that she cares deeply about her father, and I don't want to upset that.

Quite frankly, I don't think I'm not the one damaging that right now.  He is.

This is such a mess.  All I want is a kinder tomorrow.

Refusal

The "unforeseen circumstances" were that the flowers were refused.
That means that at least they got there to be refused, so hopefully at least the message that I'm still here was delivered.  It's impossible for me to time delivery in such a way that it can be guaranteed that she will get them, and that the flowers are not intercepted by her parents.

Another possibility haunts me, and that is that she did get them, and it was her that refused the flowers.  I see no reason for her to do so, but it is a possibility, and just imagining it almost makes me panic.
I don't think she would give up so easily, and there are a number of reasons for her to reject the flowers beside not wanting my attention.

If she does tell me she wants nothing to do with me, I will leave her alone, of course.  I'm sticking around mostly because she specifically told me to.  I've made a commitment to her, and I'm not walking away from that.

I have to believe she is also hanging on for a kinder tomorrow.

Broken promises

I paid good money to have flowers delivered to her right away, express delivery.
Then I got an e-mail saying they couldn't deliver due to unforeseen circumstances. I've made inquiries as to what happened, but they haven't gotten back to me.  I must have spent $50 just trying to get it sorted over the phone.

It's like the forces of global economics won't let me tell her I'm still working for a kinder tomorrow.

Flowers

I decided to send her flowers. I even paid extra to have them delivered today.

They're sent anonymously, but anyone with half a brain knows who they are from.

She certainly will. It's her favorite flower, and the text on the card makes it clear.

A brighter day
Is coming your way

Hopefully it will give her faith in a kinder tomorrow.

Out of ... everything

I haven't been to the store for a while, so I've run out of coffee, sugar, dog treats, bread and a whole list of other stuff. I also have a package I need to pick up.
All in all, I have to pull myself together and go face the world. I don't know what I would have done if I had a job where I had to sit in an office every day. I'm just not capable of that right now.

I just have to carry on. There is no way she would want me to just sit here and rot. I have to keep in mind that she wants me to be happy as much as I want her to be happy, so I serve no-one by sitting here, stewing.
I certainly don't want that for her!

Shopping is not going to happen on it's own. I have to actively make a kinder tomorrow.

My feelings are spam

I sent the e-mail.
Under a minute later I was informed that the mail server where Mr. B works rejected the message as spam.

Not a single web address was mentioned, though I did list a bunch of phone numbers and contact information.  I have no idea why it was sorted as spam.  Maybe it is because I CC'd someone?  I have no idea, and it didn't give a spam scorecard to let me find out and correct the problem.

I fired off another e-mail right away, to Mrs. B this time, explaining what had happened and asking for her communication.

Apparently my feelings are spam now.  I'm hanging on, but that makes it very hard to hope for a kinder tomorrow.

Today it happens

The e-mail is ready, and enough time has passed.

I'm sitting on it for a little while longer, then I'm looking it over one more time before sending it.

I'm so anxious about it I could scream, and the only thing that calms me is her singing.
When we do get back to regular contact I hope to hear her sing all the time.

Her angel's voice gives me hope for a kinder tomorrow.

Almost two days

So, it's been almost two days since our last contact now.
I have no idea if she is okay, or if she is having a massive migraine from the stress.

Again I keep wanting to send that e-mail, but I know I should let it rest for at least another 12-15 hours.
I'm very happy with the way it reads now, but I want to give Mr. B some more time to calm down, and perhaps be more accepting of my communication.

I just hope she hasn't given up on me.  My soul cries out in pain when I think about it.  What if she thinks I simply shrugged her off and moved on?  Somehow I will get word to her that I am right here, waiting for a kinder tomorrow.

The Process

I've been working on this e-mail all day and I'm aching to send it. I've looked it over and made minor edits at least 30 times now, and I feel like it is as good as it is going to get.
This is where I need to muster some self-control. I have a process, and I should stick with it.

So far the process has been used for work correspondence and technical documentation, but I think it will serve me well here, too.

It varies a little, but roughly it works like this:

Step one is the discard draft. I write a very rough outline of what I want, read it through and then discard it.

Step two is the real draft. I write it the way most people do, I guess. All in one sitting, if possible, and then I leave it.

Step three is to look it over and make sure all the facts are correct. I do research I need to be reasonably sure no factual errors are included.

Step four is a language revision. I check for silly things, like comma errors and double negatives. I look it over for clarity and make sure it's concise and to the point. Babble removal, if you will.

Step five is the timeline. If the document in any way follows a temporal flow, like a process to be followed or an account of events I make sure they are in the right order.

Step six is sarcasm/irony/humor detection. Text documents are horrible for sarcasm and irony as there is no inflection. It has to go. Humor, if any, must be subject appropriate and subtle, so as to not detract from the perceived value of the document.

Step seven is polish. This is repeated until the document is as good as it will ever get. It includes most of the other steps, but without any particular focus.

The most important part of the process, however, is between the steps. I walk away and do something else. I watch a funny video, go browse the web for a while or walk the dog. Whatever it takes to make the document fade in my memory. That way I am looking at it with reasonably fresh eyes when I continue.

Yes, writing stuff with this method takes a lot of time, but in the end the result is worth it. The fateful e-mail is now being polished again and again, and while I am confident that I have said what I want to say in a clear and concise manner I still have doubts. I don't know this guy, and I'm not very good at describing this sort of thing, and that mix makes me anxious. I've walked away again, watching random stuff on TV to clear my head, and I hope that helps me spot the last few flaws.

I've never had so much riding on an e-mail before, and it feels like I need it to be perfect to see a kinder tomorrow.

First draft done

I've drafted my e-mail to Mr. B, and I feel I've been honest and open.

I think I've made it clear where I stand, and I have outlined how I came to be in this situation. I have also responded as best I can to his threats, and I hope I've made it clear that I am not impressed with them. I hold no fear of this man, nor the power he wields, but I still respect him and his instinct to protect his daughter from a perceived threat.
I hope that shines through, and I hope I have disarmed myself in a way he can understand. I am no threat, nor do I wish to be.

I will read and refine the e-mail to make sure I am being as honest and open as I can, and that I am in no way confrontational or disrespectful.
However, between him and his daughter, if I have to be at odds with one of them, it will be him.
I do wish we can unite in a common goal, however. We both want the same thing: Her happiness, security and fulfillment.

I just hope he will see reason, and let his daughter make her own choices for a kinder tomorrow.

Get it together!

Okay, I've finally gotten some sleep.
Exhausted, I dragged myself into my bed last night and listened to my recording of her singing until I finally fell asleep.  When I woke up, I was filled with new resolve.

I will not collapse.  I will not crumble.  I will stand and fight for what I believe in, and I will make that clear.
That's why I'm drafting an e-mail to her father to both declare my intention and to try and reach out to the man.  That e-mail might take a long time to get right, as I want to be as honest as I possibly can.  Not just honest to him, but to myself as well.

It does bother me a bit that in all my research the only e-mail address I could find was a work-related one.  This is clearly a personal matter, and should not involve spending his employer's resources, but I have to work with what I have.  I guess I'll keep searching for a private address while I compose the e-mail, but I must send it, and if that means a breach of etiquette, then so be it.

It is my hope that Mr. B and I can agree on some solution for a kinder tomorrow.

Throwing up

I've graduated from crying to throwing up now.
Maybe it's because I haven't eaten anything today?

No contact with her for about 20 hours, and I know she is just laying there, in her bed, crying.
Well, I don't know that for sure, but that's what I fear she is doing.

It is my function in this world, my very purpose for being, to make her feel better.  Now I can't.
It's tearing me apart thinking about how much pain she is in, and that I can't do a thing to help her.

She specifically told me not to, but I still want to go to the bank tomorrow and loan as much money as I can against my home.  Then I'll get airline tickets, arrange a visa and go over there.  Maybe if I had a proper sit-down with her father, I could show that my intent is all good, and that we are after the same goal:  For her to be happy and fulfilled.

How can it be so hard for him to understand that all we want is to be together for a kinder tomorrow?

Zombie walk

The dog needed a walk, so off I went.
It feels wrong to leave home when I keep randomly bursting into tears, but I can't ignore her needs.

I met a couple of neighbours, and stopped to chat for a bit. They asked me how I was doing, and rather than admitting I was walking around like a zombie merely pretending to be human, I lied. Yeah, sure, "I'm good. You?"

Stumbling home I realized just how close I was to just bursting into tears and laying the story on a couple of unsuspecting neighbours. Maybe I should have. I need to vent.
Talked to my parents yesterday, and gave them full disclosure on the whole mess, and they were very supportive of it. A few select friends know the details, too. I just don't want to poison those wells with too much crying.

I need to preserve my resources for a kinder tomorrow.

Not all alone

I feel so lonely, like I'm the only person left in the world and I would do pretty much anything to talk to her.

Life, however, is not without it's highlights. My dog is currently looking like someone let the air out of her, and she is just panting and sleeping, waiting for sunset. I'm so happy I have my dog to comfort me and keep me company right now, or I would have gone insane.

Together, Jewell, we will hang on for a kinder tomorrow.

Watching TV

So, I'm watching TV...
Almost everything on is about someone being in love, someone being pregnant, someone giving birth or someone getting married.

All I can think about is Thor and Margo, and it makes me cry.
How can I love someone that doesn't exist yet?

I'm not giving up on that dream. I'm wishing for a kinder tomorrow.

A new beginning

Everything has changed now.

Imagine for a moment, looking into the crying eyes of your child and telling her that her feelings are entirely fake.  I could never do such a thing, not even in anger.

For now, however, I will have to leave my frustration behind me and, as they say, cowboy the fuck up.  This blog will be part of that.  No-one can censor what I put here, and while they can tighten their grip on her, all it will do is choke her.  Of course they know this, so they can't possibly stop her from reading blogs?

So, change has come.  I won't concede defeat, and I refuse to see it as an end.  This is a new beginning, and I refuse to go away.  The only one with the power to tell me to go away is her, and she has specifically told me to stay. So I stay, any way I can.  This is me staying.

Anyway, this is for you.  You know who you are.  I love you, and I'm right here.
Keep the hope alive.  Hope for a kinder tomorrow.